The Science Of Child Development: Do Consequences And Rewards Work? Why It's Time To Do Away With The Old Model

My son turned 18 this week, and while he got an amazing University admission score, and is already in University, I should be proud of the parenting job I did… but I’m not. My daughter turned 16 recently and she told me I wasn’t doing a great job. She made it impossible for me not to analyse myself as her mum. I mean I was going ok, she has boundaries, she was rewarded for good behaviour, there were consequences for bad behaviour and I was following the parenting model of generations before me.

I would yell a lot, was always stressed, and didn’t take the time to consider how my behaviour affected my kids. I would hold it together everywhere I went and then I would let it out at home, and they felt like they had to be careful. Amongst other factors, this contributed to the downward spiral of their mental health.

I was never shown a lot of affection growing up, so for me, it was normal to give them a kiss and hug for bed, but through the day I didn’t really hug them, touch them, or really even take the time to speak with them on a deeper level. I didn’t really connect with them, until one day I had to pick my daughter up from school, it was the 3rd day in a row, something was going on but she didn’t tell me. I could feel myself driving to the school to get her and I was on fire because even after I had told her not to come home again because I was trying to work, she did anyway. But… something changed, on the way to the school I started implementing the calming techniques I had learned, and by the time I got her, she wasn’t speaking and was probably getting ready for me to snap at her, but instead, I took her for a slushy and some onion rings, drove around and just connected with her.

On that drive, she started to tell me a little bit, and I responded very differently than I usually would. I was calm, understanding, loving and supportive. Sometimes I think it would have been easier the other way because she was about to dump a whole lot of new information on me over the coming days.

Whatever I did that day, changed her. From that point, I dedicated time to learning different parenting styles and I read a tonne of literature on the science of child development, and it made so much sense to me, and then I read one of my favourite books called “Discipline without Damage” by Dr Vanessa Lapointe, and I cried, right throughout the book. It took me months to get through because I was really hard on myself and I could see where I had contributed to making life harder for my kids, from that day on I have not yelled, and I have barely raised my voice.

I’ve been frustrated and apologised, but I have not returned to the same mum. I just had my daughter’s parent-teacher interview, and each year I would dread it. I homeschooled her for most of last year because she struggled so much. But this year, I didn’t hear about her skipping class, not completing or even starting her work, or about how rude and disrespectful she was. Instead, I heard what I had always known, how brilliant, kind, funny, and respectful she was. How hard she tried and how she completed all of her work and just one month prior, on top of her ADHD and ODD, she was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. Now how the hell could things change so much? It’s called parenting through connection... It starts many arguments in families because so many of us are trapped in the old model of yelling and punishing, or giving consequences, or bribing and rewarding, but we are going to talk about why these things don’t work and what actually does.

Parenting is a journey, it has joys, challenges, and countless growth opportunities. As caregivers, we hold a profound responsibility to nurture the development of our children, shaping their futures and influencing the adults they will become. In this pursuit, understanding the science of child development and embracing a connection-based approach to parenting becomes paramount. Drawing insights from esteemed experts such as Dr Vanessa Lapointe, Dr Shefali Tsabary, and Dr Dan Siegel, let's delve deeper into how cultivating a strong parent-child connection lays the foundation for healthy development and fosters a sense of self-worth and resilience in our children.

Let’s break it down.

1. Recognising Inherent Worth:

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe talks about the importance of acknowledging and affirming a child's inherent worth. In a world that often places value on achievements and external validation, parents must convey to their children that they are loved and valued unconditionally, simply for who they are. When children receive praise and recognition solely based on their actions or accomplishments, they may internalise the belief that their worth is contingent upon their performance. This can lead to a fragile sense of self-esteem, where children feel pressured to constantly seek approval through their achievements. Instead, connection-based parenting encourages parents to celebrate their children's efforts, character strengths, and unique qualities, emphasising that they are valued members of the family regardless of their successes or failures.

2. Understanding the Pitfalls of Consequences:

While consequences may offer immediate solutions to manage behaviour, Dr. Dan Siegel warns of their potential long-term implications. Using consequences as a primary form of discipline can create a transactional parent-child relationship, where children comply out of fear of punishment rather than genuine understanding. Additionally, harsh consequences can trigger stress responses in children, hindering their ability to learn from their mistakes and develop essential self-regulation skills. Instead of relying solely on corrective measures, connection-based parenting encourages parents to understand the underlying reasons behind their children's behaviour and respond with empathy and compassion. By fostering open communication and guiding children with patience and understanding, parents can help them develop a deeper sense of accountability and intrinsic motivation to make positive choices.

3. Setting Firm yet Kind Boundaries:

Establishing boundaries is essential for promoting safety and instilling values, but it's equally important to do so with empathy and kindness. Dr. Shefali Tsabary emphasises the significance of setting clear, consistent, and age-appropriate boundaries while considering each child's individual needs and temperament. Rather than enforcing rules through authoritarian tactics or coercion, connection-based parenting encourages parents to engage their children in collaborative problem-solving and decision-making processes. By involving children in setting boundaries and providing explanations for rules, parents can empower them to develop autonomy and self-discipline. Additionally, maintaining a balance between firmness and kindness helps children feel secure and supported, fostering a sense of trust and mutual respect in the parent-child relationship.

4. Supporting Rather than Shaming:

In connection-based parenting, the focus shifts from criticising or shaming children for their mistakes to supporting them through challenges and setbacks. Dr. Dan Siegel emphasises the importance of creating a safe space where children feel comfortable expressing their emotions and seeking guidance without fear of judgment. Instead of dwelling on failures, parents can encourage a growth mindset by highlighting the value of learning from experiences and persevering in the face of adversity. By providing unconditional support and encouragement, parents can help their children develop resilience, self-esteem, and a positive outlook on life.

5. Discipline Rooted in Neuroscience:

Understanding the neuroscience behind child development can inform effective discipline strategies that promote positive outcomes. Dr. Dan Siegel's research on interpersonal neurobiology highlights the critical role of secure attachment bonds in shaping healthy brain development, particularly during the first two months of life. During this sensitive period, the quality of caregiving significantly influences the development of neural circuits involved in emotional regulation, stress response, and social bonding. By providing responsive and attuned care, parents lay the foundation for secure attachment, which serves as a buffer against stress and adversity throughout life. Nurturing strong parent-child connections promotes the release of oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone," which fosters feelings of trust, bonding, and emotional well-being in both parents and children.

Parenting through connection is rooted in fostering a nurturing and supportive environment that prioritises the emotional well-being and inherent worth of children. By drawing insights from experts like Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, Dr. Shefali Tsabary, and Dr. Dan Siegel, parents can build strong parent-child bonds that lay the foundation for healthy development and resilience. Rather than focusing solely on behaviour management or discipline, connection-based parenting emphasises empathy, communication, and mutual respect in guiding children through their journey of growth and self-discovery. By nurturing secure attachment bonds, setting firm yet kind boundaries, and providing unconditional support, parents can empower their children to thrive emotionally, socially, and cognitively, setting them on a path towards fulfilling and meaningful lives.

This comprehensive approach to parenting not only enhances the parent-child relationship but also contributes to the holistic well-being and success of future generations. As caregivers, embracing the science of child development and parenting through connection offers a roadmap for raising confident, compassionate, and resilient individuals who can navigate life's challenges with grace and resilience.

Listen to the full episode here.