Forgiveness Punched Me Right In The Face: So When My Mind Wouldn't Forgive, My Body Made Me!

Forgiveness…this word used to make me shudder and burn so red with anger I thought I would combust. For some, it conjures images of peace and resolution. For others, it’s a painful reminder of betrayal, hurt, and deep-seated resentment. I used to be in the hurt and betrayal camp, I was convinced that holding onto my anger was the best way to protect myself from further pain. When I began my personal development, I started to realise how wrong I was. Forgiveness didn't gently knock on my door; it punched me right in the face. When my mind refused to forgive, my body decided it had enough.

The Physical Toll of Unforgiveness
For years, I believed that holding onto my anger and resentment was a form of strength. I thought it gave me power over those who had wronged me but along my journey, I learned that the only person suffering from this grip on past hurts was me! I had myself in what I like to call “mental handcuffs” The effects were small at first—a little more stress, a little less sleep, but they gradually escalated into a full-blown mental and physical health crisis.

The first signs of trouble were chronic stress and anxiety. I was constantly on edge, replaying past wrongs over and over in my mind and bracing myself for future offences. My heart would race, my palms would sweat, and I found it increasingly difficult to focus on living my current life. This constant state of heightened alertness took a toll on my mental health, leading to persistent anxiety and even bouts of depression.

Soon, the emotional turmoil began manifesting in physical symptoms. I started experiencing headaches and I had never been one to get headaches, muscle tension, and stomach issues. My immune system weakened, making me susceptible to colds and infections. The stress hormones running through my body wreaked havoc on me, I was in a constant state of the 3 Fs, known as fight, flight and freeze, I felt like I was always walking on eggshells and I was getting cold sores that were so serious I would wake up with my lips 5 times normal size and glued together. I felt dirty, I felt sick and I was over it.

I started sleeping 16 hours a day and then I was sleeping 2 hours of broken sleep a night. I would toss and turn and my mind would run all night long. The resulting fatigue made it difficult to function during the day, affecting my motivation, relationships, and overall quality of life.

It took me a very long time to understand what forgiveness truly meant to me.

I think forgiveness is often misunderstood. It’s not about condoning or excusing the wrongs done to you. It’s about freeing yourself from the mental handcuffs that hate and anger have on you. It’s about reclaiming your peace and well-being. Let’s discuss three reasons to forgive:

1. Forgiveness Heals Emotional Wounds
Holding onto anger and resentment keeps emotional wounds open and festering. Forgiveness allows you to close those wounds and begin the healing process. It helps you release the pain associated with past hurts, making room for positive emotions like joy, peace, and love.

2. Forgiveness Reduces Stress and Anxiety
Numerous studies have shown that forgiveness is linked to lower levels of stress and anxiety. By letting go of negative emotions, you reduce the physiological burden on your body. This can lead to improved mental health, better sleep, and a stronger immune system.

3. Forgiveness Improves Relationships
Forgiveness can transform your relationships. It fosters empathy, understanding, and compassion, allowing you to connect with others on a deeper level. It also sets a positive example, encouraging others to practice forgiveness and create a more harmonious environment.

How to Forgive
Unfortunately, forgiveness is not and done event, it’s a process that requires effort and commitment. Here are four tips to help you make your step towards forgiveness:

1. Practice Self-Compassion
Forgiving others often starts with forgiving yourself. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your own mistakes and imperfections. Understand that everyone, including you, is capable of growth and change. By being kind to yourself, you create a foundation for extending that kindness to others.

2. Reframe Your Perspective
Shift your perspective from one of victim to one of survivor or empowered. Instead of focusing on how you were wronged, consider what you can learn from the experience. How has it helped you grow? What strengths have you developed as a result? This reframing can help you see the situation in a more positive light and make forgiveness easier. I am the person I am today because of the abuse I suffered as a child.

3. Seek Understanding and Empathy
Try to understand the perspective of the person who wronged you. What might have motivated their actions? What pain or challenges might they be experiencing? This doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but it can help you develop empathy and reduce the intensity of your anger. Sometimes this one may not work, and in my experience, it took me a very long time to get to this one.

4. Let Go of Expectations
Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Sometimes, it’s about letting go of the expectation that the other person will apologise or make amends. Focus on what you can control—your own feelings and actions. Release the need for validation from others and find peace within yourself.

My journey to forgiveness was not easy, but it was transformative. I started by practising self-compassion, acknowledging that my unwillingness to forgive was rooted in my own pain and fear. I reframed my perspective, recognising that holding onto anger was not protecting me but harming me. I wanted to understand the motivations and struggles of those who had hurt me, which helped me develop empathy and reduce my resentment. Finally, I let go of the expectation that they would ever apologise or make amends. I forgave them for my own sake, not theirs.

As I embraced forgiveness, I noticed profound changes in my life. My stress and anxiety levels dropped, and my physical health improved. I started sleeping better and feeling more energised. My relationships became more positive and fulfilling. But most importantly, I felt a sense of peace and freedom that I hadn’t experienced in years. I was no longer a prisoner of my past; I was free to live in the present and create a brighter future.

Forgiveness punched me right in the face, and I’m grateful it did. It forced me to confront the truth that my mind refused to accept—that holding onto anger and resentment was destroying me from the inside out. My body, in its wisdom, made me see that forgiveness was not just a moral virtue but a necessity for my well-being.

If you’re struggling with forgiveness, know that you’re not alone. It’s a challenging journey, but it’s one worth taking. By letting go of the mental handcuffs of hate and anger, you can heal your emotional wounds, reduce your stress and anxiety, and improve your relationships. Practice self-compassion, reframe your perspective, seek understanding and empathy, and let go of expectations. Forgiveness is not about the other person; it’s about you and your peace.

So, take that first step towards forgiveness today. It may just save your life, as it did mine.

Listen to the full episode here.